PORT MACQUARIE, NSW — In a bold display of community spirit, hundreds of locals have taken it upon themselves to sit motionless in their cars for hours each day to “shield the town’s fragile bitumen from sun, rain, and general wear.”

Traffic heading into the Port Macquarie CBD ground to a noble halt once again this morning, with dozens of vehicles lining the Oxley Highway in an organic act of civil stillness to protect the asphalt from exposure.

“We just want to do our part,” said Diane Crofton, who has been idling exactly 1km from the Wrights Road roundabout since 8:15am. “People think I’m heading in to get my son’s arm set after he fell off his motorbike. No. I’m here to serve.”

Diane’s son, currently holding an ice pack and an unconvincing smile in the passenger seat, declined to comment.

The spontaneous road-sitting initiative, now dubbed Operation Bitumen Blanket, has reportedly spread as far west as Wauchope, where a convoy of utes was spotted heroically obstructing traffic near the Doughnut for “the greater good of road texture.”

Transport for NSW sources confirm the movement is not affiliated with any formal infrastructure maintenance program.

“We assumed it was another set of roadworks with no visible workers and the automated traffic light on the fritz,” said a spokesperson. “Turns out it’s just the locals being weirdly loyal to the surface beneath them.”

While at least one environmental protection groups has cautiously endorsed the initiative—citing that stationary vehicles are reducing the number of Koala hit by motorists—concerns have been raised about Diane’s 2008 Mazda CX-7, which has been running the air conditioning and blasting Triple M continuously for over three hours.

“Emotionally I’d say I’m doing the community a service,” Diane said, winding the window down slightly. “Plus, it’s Port Macquarie. You’re meant to wait. If you don’t wait, you’re not local.”

Meanwhile, the Oxley Highway approaching Lake Road has become a kind of ceremonial slow crawl site, with locals reporting feelings of “bonding through frustration” and “a spiritual alignment with the snail.”

One passing cyclist described the scene as “Tour de Farce – a rolling celebration of people going absolutely nowhere.”

As for how long Operation Bitumen Blanket will continue?

“As long as it takes,” Diane said, tears of civic duty welling in her eyes. “Or until I get a spot closer to Emergency.”

✉️ Letters to the Editor

Glenn Derwood (Senior Community Solutions Liaison (Acting, Unofficial, Ongoing)
I’d like to clarify that Operation Bitumen Blanket is not an officially sanctioned council initiative, although I did once float a similar concept at a strategy session in 2017 while we were brainstorming alternative uses for time. Very proud of Diane. Very proud of Port.

🧘‍♀️ Willow B.
The Earth speaks through stillness. I support this sacred resistance to movement. Let the rubber kiss the road and stay there. I will be conducting a silent vigil near Wrights Road tomorrow with my didgeridoo and some ethically-sourced incense made from possum droppings.

Neville C., 67, Commented via Facebook on an unrelated photo of a dolphin
I’ll tell you what worries me – it’s this quiet little plan by Transport for NSW to upgrade the Doughnut. If they get that traffic flowing, what’s it going to do to the roads? You can’t just have cars moving about willy-nilly. That kind of momentum causes erosion. Vibration. Stress on the bitumen.

We’ve spent years mastering the art of respectful gridlock and they want to undo it with efficiency? No thanks. I say leave the Doughnut alone. In fact, slow it down more. Chuck in a few extra lanes that go nowhere just to be safe.

Stand still, Port. Stand proud.

Also, just quietly, dolphins are getting a bit too confident. First the nuzzling, next they’ll be lobbying Council for free parking at Settlement Point. Mark my words.”