“It was like being punched by a wet Pilates instructor.”

LAURIETON, NSW — A local man has been left physically unharmed but emotionally disoriented after a surprise encounter with a dolphin that “just wasn’t having it” during his early morning swim.

Brendan Klutts, 38, says he was enjoying a peaceful ocean dip near the flags when he felt what he described as “a solid, slippery thump to the ribcage”.

“I turned around expecting to see a rogue boogie board,” Brendan said. “Instead I saw two very judgemental eyes and a weird smirk. It was definitely deliberate. That dolphin chose violence.”

Marine experts have confirmed the animal in question was likely a bottlenose dolphin named Baz, a well-known local who has previously been filmed stealing fish from amateur anglers and once interrupting a stand-up paddleboard yoga class by squealing at them until they fell in.

“It’s important to remember that dolphins are wild animals,” said marine biologist Tanya Fripps. “They look friendly but they operate on a strict code of vibes. Baz clearly felt something was off.”

Social media has since erupted with unconfirmed sightings of “angry dolphins” in the Hastings region, prompting council to release a statement reminding swimmers not to approach marine mammals “unless invited, spiritually or otherwise.”

Meanwhile, Brendan says he holds no hard feelings.

“He was probably just having a bad morning,” he said. “But I won’t lie, I do flinch now whenever I see anything grey and fast underwater with no obvious teeth. 

✉️ Letters to the Editor

🧢 Brendan Klutts
“I KNEW IT. Everyone laughed when I said they were testing boundaries. This is how it starts. First the nuzzle, then the theft, then you wake up in Byron Bay with no dignity and a shell necklace you didn’t buy. Stay vigilant. If anyone wants to form a support group, I’m already printing badges.”

🏄‍♂️ Jetto69 (Local surfer & part-time DJ)
“Bro I saw the whole thing. Dolphin came in like a torpedo, real stealthy. Honestly kinda beautiful. I thought it was flirting. Could’ve been a Pisces-Virgo clash. Vibes were tense.”

🧘‍♀️ Willow B.
“Oh for Gaia’s sake. You call it a nuzzle, I call it a sacred gesture of re-alignment. That dolphin probably sensed unresolved trauma in the solar plexus. Happens all the time. Next time, try responding with an open heart instead of panic. We are guests in their realm.”

🧂 Neville C., 67, Commented via Facebook on a photo of the dolphin mid-nuzzle
“Back in my day we didn’t have ‘rogue dolphins’ because we respected the ocean and didn’t carry on like pork chops in the shallows. You splash around like a wounded pelican, of course some creature’s gonna come check it out.

Also, just quietly, dolphins are getting a bit too confident. First the nuzzling, next they’ll be lobbying Council for free parking at Settlement Point. Mark my words.”